Two Dead, Wolf Blitzer to Blame



Reports say two college seniors have been pronounced dead of alcohol poisoning after an election day drinking game spun out of control.

Two Fi Beta Cappa fraternity brothers were playing a drinking game while watching election results in the fraternity house Tuesday evening. The names of the two seniors have not been revealed, but witnesses report that the two students had committed themselves to taking a drink every time they heard Wolf Blitzer say a predetermined list of words.

The two seniors were political science majors and were set to graduate in the spring. It is unclear yet how much they had to drink, but one witness is quoted as saying, “They were going at it like crazy. They had about 20 words up there on the board and had like five cases of beer and a couple of bottles of tequila. They had to do shots when anyone said the phrase ‘too close to call.’ It was [expletive] insane.”

This is not the first time that an incident like this has occurred. During election night in 2008, three students were hospitalized with alcohol poisoning after deciding to drink as long as a news correspondent was standing in the middle of a 3D rendering of statistical information. All three students recovered in that case.

Reached for comment, the president of the college remarked that, “If this is what young people consider ‘getting involved in politics’ is supposed to be, then we’re all doomed.”

No word yet if the school will investigate the safety of the fraternity in question, but one freshman rushing the fraternity who asked his identity be withheld said, “I didn’t think this is what I was getting myself into. I might not even want to be in this house. [Expletive], I’m an independent for God’s sake.”


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