Undecided Voter? Here’s An Idea, Just Don’t Vote

The third and final presidential debate is over, but the decision is yet to come. We’re in the home stretch of finally getting this over with. Mailboxes and airwaves have been pushed to their breaking point filled with ads and pleas to make the right decision. Everyone is shellacked in the smear of campaigning and we’re all dirtier for it, so it is about time we get to elect some people whom we can begin immediately complaining about and drown our buyer’s remorse in our adult beverage of choice.

With the campaign season nearly over, this country will, if the pundits and ads are any indication, go careening in the wrong direction no matter what. If I’m to believe anyone about anything, no matter what I choose, someone seems to feel that the end of days will be ushered in. My vote, whatever it is on any subject, will bring about a dystopian society akin to a mix of Logan’s Run and Bladerunner, or it will be a scene out of Caligula. That vivid scenery aside, I feel like I have my finger on The Button, that will do something. No one really seems to know what it will do. It’s just gonna do something terrible.

No matter the outcome, there is the usual campaigns to just vote. Just get involved and vote. Register and let your voice be heard. OK, I can get behind that to the extent that my vote needs to be counted, even though it may not actually matter what I choose. I just need to decide and get involved. Alright, I’ll choose, but for a sentient human being I really don’t think it’s much of a choice.

While watching the debate last night on CNN I think it was, there was bar at the bottom of the screen that indicated the like and dislike of what was being said by the candidates in real-time. I found this to be more fascinating than the debate itself. Though foreign policy was the issue of this final debate, both candidates were clearly in need of some Adderall with how they couldn’t seem to stay on task. As topics were covered, the lines of men and women dipped and ascended according to how they felt about what was being said. These were undecided voters in Florida that were participating in this little real-time graph. Undecided Floridians? Yeah, those are the people I really want to hear from. A bunch of wishy-washy fence-straddlers from Boca Raton.

How are there still undecided voters? How is that even a thing? They must be some sort of endangered species in these highly informative times. It is late October and you haven’t somehow decided which party you’re going to support for the presidency of the United States? Here’s what I have to say to that: Do us all a favor and just sit this one out. Frankly, sit them all out. If you’ve reached voting age, and you’re not able to come to a very grown-up decision about which policies you support, then I don’t want you to participate in elections. You’re “grown-up” status has been revoked.

This campaign has been going on for what, the last seven and a half years? You haven’t figured it out by now? Did anyone really need that third debate to make up their mind? That is a legitimate question. Did anyone besides late-night comedy shows like The Daily Show and blowhard pundits on 24-hour news networks really need that debate for anything but gaff counters and punchline fodder? No one but Jon Stewart, SNL, and Wolf Blitzer got anything out of that. If you did get something out of that, if that was the debate that sealed your vote for you, then you clearly haven’t been paying attention the last 18-months as candidates have been running their mouths.

Frankly, it goes further than that. Obama is closing out his fourth year in office. Have you not paid attention to what he has been doing, how this country has been doing? You, in the last four years, haven’t formed an opinion on whether you like or dislike what has been happening in America for just shy of the last half-decade? What the fuck have you been doing, undecided voter? I know fantasy football is intense, but those are some serious blinders you have on if you’ve looked up from your injury reports as an ESPN insider and said, “Man, I’ve gotta figure out who to vote for.”

I need Jeff Corwin to track down and wrestle an undecided voter to the ground for me. Net it, sit on it, and breathlessly explain what I’m looking at, because this is some Sasquatch stuff if these people are out there. I’ve seen the evidence, their footsteps, their cranial scat piles, and I see the ad campaigns pandering to these “swing voters,” but I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen one. What are they like? Can they make any decisions at all? Are they frozen in fear over simple, everyday choice like dark roast or medium? Do they look like the rest of us? I’m fascinated. Where are the Planet Earth people on this one. I need a Discovery Channel Shark Week kind of event exploring the wonder and mystery of the indecisive voter. I’d buy that in a BluRay box set for sure.

If you are an adult, capable of voting and you haven’t made up your mind at this point in the electoral season, then you just need to admit that you shouldn’t be voting. You’re clearly not up to the task, nor have you been able to make a very important decision in your life: What you stand for. You don’t know if you’re going to vote for the blue or the red team? C’mon, man. I’m not asking you to vote over or under on toilet paper. This isn’t whether you’re a left or right Twix man. This is certainly not as tough a choice as the ones you make every week via text for Big Brother and American Idol winners and losers. This is simple, man. Thanks to our archaic and obtuse views of democracy in this country, there are just two choices. One or the other. This is not deciding rock, paper, or scissors. This is just rock or scissors, man. This is literally the simplest system we could come up with. This guy or that guy. That is the absolute bare minimum set of option required for a choice, by definition.

If you can’t make up your mind about what you believe in and do the due diligence to find out who represents your best chance to see those things carried out, then just don’t vote. It’s a message no one else is going to deliver to you. Everyone out there is shoving information, stats, fact checking, and guilt of not voting down your throat every hour of every day. There is a societal imperative that is inherent in an election: You have to choose. Well, undecided voter, I am here to tell you that you don’t need to vote. Take a deep sigh of relief. I’m saying it is OK to just leave this one to other people. Don’t lose any sleep over this. You will still get to complain about the people who are elected, because they will disappoint everyone anyway. That’s the big secret. You don’t have to vote, because no matter who you would have voted for, they will disappoint you, you’ll regret your choice, and nothing will turn out the way they have promised. It’s the beauty of our broken American Dream.

So, just take a load off and don’t worry your pretty little head about what happens next. You weren’t concerned enough to figure out what you were going to do yet, so don’t worry about the outcome; it really won’t matter anyway. No matter what you decided, it was going to be wrong anyway. Go back to posting pictures of your dinner on instagram. Go on watching The Big Bang Theory and keep an eye on the injury reports for your fantasy teams. Go on seeing shitty 3D movies and lament the end of Jersey Shores. Watch Teen Moms, Honey Boo-Boo, and DVR Survivor episodes. It’s OK to sit this one out. You’re clearly too busy to be bothered with deciding what you stand for, how you feel about the “direction this country is going,” and whether you support one candidate or the other. Shhh, you just rest now. Take a nap. We’ll wake you up in January to watch the president being sworn in and for this year’s increasingly mediocre Super Bowl commercials. Hush, little baby, don’t you cry…

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