Five Games Inspired By My E3 Experience

1: SIMS E3 Edition

It is your task to build the world’s most amazing E3 exhibit and keep your patrons happy. This is not as easy as you might think. You will need to erect massive booths highlighting the games and tech which will keep companies alive and in the black for the next calendar year.

You will map out the exhibits. You will hire the appropriate booth babes to titillate your more impressionable press. You will need to hire the right food vendors. Keep in mind that your patronage will consist of everything from executives of multimillion dollar companies to un-showered bloggers with asthma. It can’t be too nice or too Hot Pocket-y.

Don’t forget security. Also, don’t include any massage stations for the press lugging around cameras and laptops for ten hours, that would be ridiculous. You will also need to decide which exhibitors get the most marketing space, whose banners go where, and keep everyone happy, but don’t worry because lines are tolerable everywhere but bathrooms and bars.

Can you keep everyone happy and pull off the greatest annual event in gaming?

SIMS E3 Edition “The Expo is Yours!”

2: Linecraft

In this mobile game, you get to try to survive a two-hour long line to play a video game for 20 minutes. In this line you will need to avoid the dangers of boredom, small talk, defend against villains taking “cutsies,” stay hydrated, stay fed, do the pee-pee dance, and hold in flatulence…in real time!

No two games are the same with the randomly generating AI used to compose the people around you. One try you might need to hold in a fart while a man next to you insists on quoting the film Grandma’s Boy to you. On the other side of you is a man with terrible body odor while you are trying to have a silent fight with your girlfriend who is pissed you ditched her for E3. There is no telling what you’ll encounter in the real-time survival fanboy game.

There are four levels of lines you can work your way up. With every victory you get real play time on this falls biggest hit games, and a T-shirt. Each T-shirt can earn you respect for the next line you try to survive, and between lines you can refill your backpack with provisions you think you might need for your next line survival. Will you need water? Don’t bring too much, and remember to pee between lines. You will be hungry between lines, but choose carefully what you eat or you might have to try to navigate the indigestion mini-game later on.

Every choice is precious, every move a chance at survival…and a T-shirt.

Linecraft “Have You Got What it Takes to See Every Badass Video Trailer in a Day at E3?”

3: Swagville

In this Facebook community game, you and your friends can team up to get every piece of collectible swag from E3. You and your friends attend E3 and try to get all of the free shit they give away from Oswald ears to T-shirts and even buttons and iron-on patches. Nothing is too invaluable to waste your valuable time on.

Swagville comes with everything you’ve come to expect from Facebook games. Post App updates to people not playing the game asking them if they have an Assassin’s Creed 3 screening T-shirt and if they can help you get one. Send constant requests to random people you haven’t seen since high school to join your swag-farming co-op. Post 15 achievements and high scores in a row on the walls of people who are now 10 seconds from ignoring all activity from you as a human being.

Swagville is a looters dream. Get E3 exclusive items. By “exclusive” we mean stuff that you can buy any time you’d like on-line, or just live the rest of your life happily without. Swagville is the fun and fruitless way for you to spend your time bartering and begging booth babes and exhibitors for things. Say all the right things and you might get bonus items.

“My little brother has cancer and couldn’t come to E3. Can I get an extra shirt for him?” That’s the right conversation choice. Pull at their heart-strings. In higher levels, you’ll even download a photo of a cancer patient to really sell your story and get even more things you will throw out or lose sooner rather than later.

Swagville for Facebook “Oh, this? I got it at E3.”

4: America’s Next Top Booth Babe: The Game

Have you wanted to be a hot chick surrounded by dudes you’d never bang? Have you ever dreamed of handing out crap and just looking pretty? Ever wanted to know the absolute minimum about a product, stand near it, and then not be able to answer any follow-up questions? Then America’s Next Top Booth Babe: The Game is for you.

You get to take headshots, dress your character, and then go on auditions to stand around in a full of nerds and potentially stand near an expensive car. Every game is improved with Kinect. Use voice commands to perfect your pitch to passers-by.

“Would you like a wrist band to get free stuff?” Oh now, Molly. You’re going to need to dumb down your tone and turn up the valley girl twang just a bit, but you’re on the right track.

Learn the stances, how to hit your mark at a moment’s notice from passing press. Get answers ready for simple questions and enough details in your back story to prove you’re a real “gamer.” Learn words like “gamer.” Work your way up from one exhibit to another until you are hocking free stuff and posing with Asian tourists and single bloggers for some of the biggest triple-A title developers and manufacturers in the world. Work your way up from PAX East and Blizzcon to events like Comic Con and even E3 as the game progresses.

America’s Next Top Booth Babe: The Game “I can’t wait to play Hola 4!”

5: EA X Activision

We’ve seen them battle each other in the gaming market, we’ve seen them battle in court, and now watch your favorite figureheads abuse each other in this multi-platform console arena.

In the tradition of Street Fighter X Tekken, put your favorite CEO’s to the test in two-player action at home or online. Play as classic Activision founders like Bob Whitehead, Larry Kaplan, and David Crane. Choose from EA greats like Trip Hawkins, Larry Probst, or CEO John Riccitiello.

Each character comes with their own moves like the cut and run elbow slam, the development house acquisition bear hug, and the Dickensian employee back breaker. Beat your opponents with moves like the subpoena face slap and the chapter 11 gut stomp. There are more than thirty playable characters each with their own set of moves, and you can do battle in more than 15 destructible arenas like Redwood City, CA; Santa Monica, CA; the E3 floor; and court.

DLC packages are planned with playable characters like Cliff Bleszinski, Ken Levine, and Chuck Norris…because he belongs in every fighting game.

EA X Activision “Making games just got real…painful”

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