I earned this pilot license, dammit

Five Things you never want to hear from the Captain on the plane

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Chicago is asking us to divert due to some ice on the runway. Uuuuhhhh, I say we land anyway. Diverting’s for pussies.”

“Just extending an invite to you good people. My copilot and I are having a flight after-party at the Hampton Inn at the airport. BYOB. No dudes. No fat chicks.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We’re expecting a little rough weather today on our trip to O’hare. Also, I just want to reassure everyone that I am holding it together just fine even though the gentleman in seat 22A looks just like the guy that killed my wife last year. You son of a bitch.”

“Well, folks. I have turned the fasten seat belts sign back on. Apparently my copilot doesn’t think I can do a barrel roll in a 737…I’m not one to back down. Buckle up, folks. Bill, get ready to lose 20 bucks.”

“Pardon this interruption, folks. This is your captain speaking. I was wrong. The man in seat 32C is not crazy. There is in fact something on the wing, but don’t be alarmed. I’m sure he’s harmless. Just look to your left and give the little guy a wave to show you mean him no harm, but don’t make eye contact. He hates that.”

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