There is plenty of criticism out there about the candidates that still feel that they have a snowball’s chance at the White House. With 18 debates under our belts, We are going to be exceeding the season episode run for most television shows. This is like the worst Survivor: Campaign Trail season ever. They are saving the best stuff for sweeps week, I’m sure. I can’t wait to buy the BluRay with all the featurettes and director commentary.
This not withstanding, I keep watching people give an edge to this candidate or another. Who won this debate? Who won this poll, this Caucus, this campaign ad run? Whose taxes are the most flattering? Who has had the most wives? Who is the most racist? Whose policies are the most toxic for this country? Which candidate will be the President in our final days before postapocolyptia?
These are all valid questions, and unless someone produces a talking Pegasus as a running mate, no one is going to look like the right guy for the job. I would love to join the pundit cacophony, railing on policy, voting record, plans, stances, personal background, and whether Newt or Romney looks like the bigger asshole (hint: it’s Gingrich). Instead, I want to rate these guys via a litmus test that is often overlooked: Whose got the best swag.
In a search of their respective campaign websites, you can get your hands on an abundance of campaign collectibles. Between the four remaining candidates there is a variety of design and thought, and not so much thought, that went in to the design of the goodies you can get your hands on to support (ironically or otherwise) the candidate you’d like to see champion the upcoming GOP Waterloo. Without further adieu, our rankings of the best place to get your GOPSwag.
By the slimmest of margins, Rick Santorum is bringing up the rear. With just two T-shirt designs, no yard signs, and a fucking tote bag, Rick did not drop enough funds on design and marketing groups to double-check this haphazard storefront. The eagle design, Rick? Really? It’s a bit on the nose, don’t you think? Besides the overall design is the lack of choices and repetitive design. If you look closely at the stickers and other “gear” and stickers, you will see that the product is described as “Rick Santorum for President Bumper Sticker.” Upon further examination, the “for” is oddly absent, so the sticker just reads, “Rick Santorum President.” It’s presumptuous at best, a terrible design at best. With swag like this, it’s no wonder you will never top the definition of santorum when you Google yourself. I mean, a tote bag…no wonder you’ll never win. Everyone else is going network and you’re giving us public broadcasting. Tisk, tisk. You know how Republicans feel about that shit.
THE Newt Gingrich. Yep, the womanizing, racist, dodging dick, stays out of the bottom spot based on a couple of key points and with a worst case scenario kind of campaign slogan. If your Gingrich support doesn’t stop at exploitation, then you can pick up this adorable “small pet bandana” and truly Newt-er your dog. I like the “I’m With Newt” Sticker bundle. I love most of the bundles. The Volunteer Package is a nice way of putting your supporters to work…while making them pay to do so. My favorite is the “Victory Package.” If you don’t want to be out-newt-ed (even by Newt), you can get this all-inclusive pack for a scant $60. You get the T-shirt, the yard sign, the coffee mug (on which immediacy is taking a backseat to leadership importance), the decal, the buttons, and the hat. NEWT2012. I don’t like the fucking Polo though, Newt. C’mon. Blue collar folk can’t afford a $40 white-collar. Know the voting base to whom you’re pandering. So, you’re in third. If that hoodie had been zip-up, and not pull-over, you might have pulled second.
I’m a believer. I truly believe America is real and not a figment of my imagination. What else you got? As it is, Romney comes charging in at second. What landed this Mormon Capitalist at number two? It isn’t selection. There isn’t much here. It isn’t affordably price. After seeing his taxes and what he makes everyday in interest off capital gains, I can see that $35 for a long-sleeve T-shirt seems reasonable; and sixty buck for a quarter-zip sweatshirt doesn’t get a second glance. Wait, a quarter-zip? Hold your criticism, I’ll explain. There is one sweet ass zip-up hoodie here, and I’m a sucker for a hoodie. Furthermore, he doesn’t exploit animals as Newt does. No, fuck that. We put Romney logos on babies, bitch. Freaking Romney ONESIE! Despite a “R” logo that looks like the Pepsi logo fucked the Girl Scouts of America design; he’s got the yard signs, the exploitation of the too-young-to-vote, sweet buttons, stickers, a badass hoodie, and the obligatory one pretentious piece of apparel. Romney: Second with a bullet.
Ron Paul! At number one is our Ross Perot. It’s as if Ralph Nader was dehydrated and reduced to a frail mass of explosive political beef stock flavor. And his apparel!? Ed Hardy is on the ropes if Paul can get these threads in the storefronts, son. Okay, he’s got the yard signs. He’s got the stickers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How about what he’s got that no one else in their right minds would sell to support a presidential campaign: Ron Paul Family Cookbook, “I HEART Ron Paul” wristbands, a pocket constitution, party balloons, and a fucking beer koozie! His shirts are awesome, his rEVOLution stickers and shirt designs remind me Sage Francis’ last album cover. I mean, look at this shirt! He’s even got a beanie. In true Ron Paul fashion, he’s also got packs of outlines of different issues facing America. Prosperity, energy independence, protect gun rights, standing up for homeschooling, pro-life, protect marriage, worker’s rights, lower taxes, and more! If I didn’t disagree so much with all his platforms, I’d fucking vote for him. He’s out of his ever-loving mind. He’s ever-imitatable and rife for parody. Ron Paul is the politician we all say we want to vote for, but we’re all too afraid of the sight of him once he’s right in front of us. I love his swag, though.
So there is our Poppycock breakdown of the political candidates left standing in the race. Based solely on political paraphernalia, we would like to call it now: Ron Paul will be the next GOP candidate for President. It’s bold, and it’s most certainly poppycock, but if his shirts are any indicator, he’s got this thing locked the fuck up!
For our first GOP candidate piece, and more traditional breakdown of possible candidates before it all began, click here. The person I feel the worst for is the guy now sitting on 1,000 Rick Perry for President buttons that arrived at his double wide last week. Poor bastard. You could’ve had a beer koozie.