Saturday August 20, 2011
NIKE and Obama Falter in Brokering Deal with Chinese Basketball
by Wesley Bauman
In the last week President Obama has been quietly speaking with both the Chinese Premier, Wen Jiabao, and official representatives for the Chinese Basketball Association on the possibilities of brokering a deal for encouraging NBA players to join CBA teams during the NBA lockout which began July 1, 2011 at 12:01am. After the initial raising of the debt ceiling, and with President Obama frustrated that no new revenue streams were discussed seriously, the President contacted the CBA and Premier Jiabao to see “if the use of NBA superstars could benefit the strained financial relationship” between China and the US, said sources close to the situation. After Friday’s announcement by the CBA that players under contract would not be allowed to join domestic Chinese teams, a source inside the White House said that the President was “visibly annoyed.”
According to reports, the President had spoken with the Premier and the CBA to see if the signing of major NBA stars like Kobe Bryant, Chris Paul, or LeBron James, would interest China. It seemed to the President that if new taxes were not a viable possibility and cuts were being made in social programs, then he decided that what resources the US had in abundance were unemployed basketball players. Obama felt that if the “deal was sweet enough,” according to insiders, the President would speak with players to encourage them to play in China.
“This is not slave-trading,” the President was quick to point out. “My job is to help America, and struggling Americans without jobs. I love basketball, and these incredibly talented stars, and if I can help them find work during a heated labor dispute, then I am all for it. I mean, the owners? Really? They are just behaving like knuckleheads.” Obama apparently was doing his best impression of hall of fame basketball star Charles Barkley.
The deal was to be two-fold for the President. In one act he could ease tensions with China, our largest debt-holders at approx. $907 billion; and would drop the unemployment numbers by at least three individuals.
“People don’t have jobs. That is my number one concern as President. If I have to personally find a job for every starting player in the NBA, I will do it. I have honestly given up trying to get anything done with our current Congress. So I am taking my skills to South Beach, to get LeBron James to take his skills to East Asia.” said President Obama on Thursday at a stop on his bus tour in Illinois.
He also drew a clear line between James and the President. “His approval rating is even worse than mine right now.” President Obama laughed. “I mean, people may think I didn’t come through on many of my campaign promises, but he had (Dwayne) Wade and still choked! If anyone needs a couple points in the polls, it’s the two of us.”
President Obama extrapolated his point in an Illinois roadhouse to a room of about 35 truckers and waitresses. “If I can improve the job situation for any American, even the ‘coddled’ über-rich, then I will do what I can. I don’t like to ship jobs overseas, to foreign nations, but it is imperative that we get these struggling athletes, and Americans, back to work. If that job is waxing glass and grabbin’ ‘boards overseas, then I will do what I can to make that happen. If an American can drop a triple-double at will, who am I not to do everything in my power to let him do that? Behind the near extraterrestrial athleticism of LeBron James and the likes of Kobe Bryant, and CP3 of course, then I think America can begin to win the future, and maybe a couple CBA titles along the way.”
Critics of the plan had called it nothing more than pandering to middle-American sports fans and even chastised the plan as big business lobbyists at work. They are referring to the apparently simultaneous urging by NIKE for those athletes who merchandise with the company, that if they are to play overseas then they should do so in China. China has the largest possibility for advertising potency of any foreign market.
After Friday’s announcement by the CBA baring any contractually obligated player from joining the league, Obama took his ball and went home. He did so in his $1.1 million-dollar luxury bus, codenamed “Behemoth.”
John Boehner on Friday evening said that the deal was “nothing more than political horse-trading.” Boehner immediately retracted his statement saying he in no way meant to liken NBA athletes to horses, or black people in general. “I love those guys with their style and the, what is it, swagger!” He then entered an elevator and let out an audible sigh before the doors closed completely.
With this possible deal gone for the administration, Karl Rove on the O’Reilly Factor on FOXNews said, “Well, the President got posterized by China. Totally worked on this one. He wanted to flaunt his skills, and the guy might have a sweet 20-foot J, but he doesn’t get back on D like he should, baby. If he was half as savvy on his economic planning as he is on his crossover during pick-up games at Rucker Park, then we wouldn’t be in this terrible mess. Pres got his ankles broke on that fake-out by the CBA! No question, baby!” Karl Rove made this statement in his best Dicky V voice.
Obama is still trying to find work opportunities for the unemployed NBA players. He is currently trying to negotiate a deal with legendary streetball tour, AND1, to see if they would fund public works projects, shovel-ready jobs, in low income areas in return for short-term contracts with major NBA players. Obama said he would even be willing to cut short his upcoming two-week vacation at Camp David, or make available Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to broker the deal. Reached for comment, Hillary Clinton simply said, “and one what?”
Joe Biden has proposed a different idea. The Vice President met with Mark Cuban, owner of the NBA Champion Dallas Mavericks, Tuesday to possibly start a professional trashcan H.O.R.S.E. league. “Hell, I could be a coach or something. I can bounce a ball off almost anything. What do you think I do all day? Trashcan basketball. Jay Carney is my bitch!” Vice President Biden then dunked a wadded paper ball on this reporter before “shaking it off” as he backed out of the oval office. We were told through a White House press release that the Vice President only uses 100% recycled paper for his trashcan H.O.R.S.E. games in an effort to “green his games.”
It is not yet clear if the White House is taking his proposal seriously, but Biden will be participating in an exhibition office match against White House intern Stephen Milhouse of Sioux Falls, SD. The match will air Sep. 3, on ESPN3.com and ESPN Deportes. Check your local listings.
NOT INTENDED TO BE A FACTUAL STATEMENT