Bachmann Wins in Ames and Yet Still Draws the Short Straw

or: Ron Paul sees his shadow, six more weeks of political futility 

What is that rustling in the distance? Wait, no, it’s not a rustle. It sounds more like a bubbling. Yes, I can hear it now. A riling and rolling boil. It pops and hisses like so much scrumptious white noise. It is musical almost. That can only be the sound of deep-fried butter logs which means it’s summer time in Iowa! It is time once again for the Iowa State Fair in Des Moines and a rootin’ tootin’ good time buyin’ up votes in a completely innocuous and non-binding straw poll in the beautifully portly town of rotund Ames, Iowa. There is nothing the people of Iowa love more than to slap on a button, shake a hand, and promise to vote for a candidate in an entirely meaningless exercise in showmanship related to nothing more than a gob-stopping festival of stump speeches, cheap tricks, all washed down with domestic beer and mediocre barbecue. The straw poll in Iowa brought us a winner, as all superfluous polls do, and her name is Michelle Bachmann. Now before we go crowning her queen and sacrificing goats on an altar before a marble statue of her likeness, just remember that this win has no bearing on anything except her popularity in a right-wing, evangelical state, in which anyone with her kind of crazy eyes can win. Oh, and did I mention she grew up there? Maybe that played a role, but we’ll see.

and apparently the courage to sit down, too

Yes, the Ames straw poll has come and gone and now we are left with the results. What can we take from our little stint in Iowa this weekend? Well, besides the need for a really good cardiologist, I think we can see that this GOP race has a few clear front-runners for the nomination. Real quick, hats off to the withdrawal of “candidate” Tim Pawlenty. Not a shocker. The man looks like he should be selling vacuum cleaners door to door in Post-war, suburban America. We owe China a lot of money, and we need a president that looks like he won’t get rolled between classes in the boys’ room and cough it up like a pansy. OK, now that we have bid ado to that, back to Michelle. What a massive win for her campaign. This is the kind of win you can only hope to get in a scenario you darest not dream in a million sleeps. I must say that this gives her great traction in future stops in Iowa and on through to the caucus and eventually the primaries…oh, who am I kidding, it’s fucking Iowa.

No one gives a shit about the straw poll. Rick Perry got over 700 write-in votes and he wasn’t even really present. People are already talking that Romney can crush her for the nomination and that Rick Perry can crush even him. If all indicators are pointing in the right direction, then this is the last thing Michelle Bachmann is gonna win. Seriously, there isn’t even a scratch-it ticket in her future. The straw poll is just a giant popularity contest/barbecue where voters promise to vote for the candidate in the poll if they will pay the $30 entrance fee to get in on the party. That’s it. It is a popularity contest highlighted by celebrity appearances, air-conditioned tents, and other flashy bullshit to just show the patrons a good time. It has no bearing on anything except that Iowans can be bought for $30, and if that is by the pound then by the looks of some of those guys corn-holing butter logs by the pair, these people are the cheapest Americans you can buy per pound. Not like Nebraska folk, they’ve got Omaha steaks, motherfucker.

So Michelle paid off some good, honest, hard-working, God-fearing, Americans that are tired of Washington getting it’s hands in their lives and pocketbooks, who just want to stick by the constitution as the founding fathers would want, and to raise their children with good values and stop passing all this debt on to them, and end this terrible, job-killing Obamacare which is ruining the economy…Wait, what happened? I blacked out there for a second. Did I cover all the talking points? Oh good, I thought I was having a stroke. No wonder she’s got the crazy eyes, if I had to repeat that same bullshit in every speech, every day, for the last 48 days since entering the race I’d probably start to look like I was trying to keep my tongue from leaping out of my head to kill itself.

This was the Iowa straw poll, and it means everything in that it means everything if we change the meaning of everything to nothing. I mean, the only person who could draw 28% of the non-official popularity vote would have to be destined for the White House in 2012 or would have to…I don’t know, ummmmm, be from Iowa? Well, in a crafty political move Michelle Bachmann happens to be from Waterloo, Iowa. Trust me, she won’t let you forget that she’s from Waterloo. She won’t even let the people of Waterloo fucking forget that she’s from Waterloo. Well, her and John Wayne…Gacy. Oops, thought I forgot about that didn’t ya, Bachmann!? Yes, in a shocking turn of events, a right-wing Lutheran wife of a man who can pray the gay out of homosexual deviants with five kids and a hard-on for the constitution in it’s founding fathers form (still not clear if that is founding fathers pre or post abolition) was able to clutch victory from the gaping maw of defeat and take this win back to Waterloo to rub in the face of the small town diner waitress who teased her in high school…that is what she did it for, right?

All this hullaballoo aside, this is simply a moral victory in a battle that featured candidates that didn’t really differ morally. Ron Paul is crazy, he doesn’t count. Ron Paul is like the Bob Dole of the Ross Perot of the Rumpelstiltskin of the GOP race; he is loud, funny, weird, and will do nothing but mess things up and steal votes from a legitimate candidate, no matter the fact that he is just awesome. Pawlenty? About as offensive as a silent fart in an elevator. Romney? Barely tried. Herman Cain? I think he served pizza and only handed out three-fold napkins. Santorum? Alright, ya know what, I’m just getting annoyed that this guy is still around with a name like that. So who was she really facing? Perry was a write-in. He is bypassing the whole thing deciding to worry about getting the votes for the GOP nomination. Another Texan, a major job-creator, and shoulders square enough to measure a contracting job by? I hear the GOP saying “yes, please.”

Bachmann is this year’s Palin, even though Palin still seems to be this year’s Palin. Her damned bus tour got rolling just in time to arrive in Des Moines to see the historic Ferris Wheel which in 1778 road through town for…ah, fuck it, she’s stupid, we get it, I’m tired of making jokes. If Palin jumps in then Bachmann looks like some kind of Wal-Mart knock-off of the Palin-brand K-Mart crazy. Bachmann is just not up to the task of taking on Perry with his billion-dollar buddies on one front, and Palin and her Alaska reality show of a family on the other side. Shit, Perry is like a 20+ term sitting official and Palin’s daughter is more famous than Bachmann is, so it really is no contest. Perry has the clout, experience, and the chiseled jaw line to take the nomination, which is the real prize, unlike the straw poll which is like getting voted most-likely to “go places” in your high school yearbook. Romney can’t win with Romneycare and his being…ya, know…a mormon. Perry is gonna run away with this thing, but that’s just the nomination, the general election is an article for another time.

Bachmann shoots down the argument that she doesn’t have the experience to be President by talking about having been alive fifty-five years. If that is a qualifier then that makes me exactly half as qualified as you to run this country, which even I know isn’t the case. She also explains that raising five children and 23 foster kids is qualification enough and being married for 30+ years is icing on the cake. Being married? Raising children? These are qualifiers for being president? I know people with five kids, but that’s because they are stupid and made the same mistake five times. What’s your excuse? She also totes her tax law education and her years as a tax attorney. She worked for the IRS. I doubt she’ll ever get that specific since leaving it at “tax law” doesn’t bring about the same bristle and zeal as being associated with the only government office that even the fucking DMV looks down on. Her experience is in question and she sites that she and her husband have been running a business successfully for years. What business is that? A mental health facility. Well, technically it’s Bachmann & Associates Christian Counseling Practice…where the Bachmanns deny that any conversion therapy for homosexual behavior goes on…even though it does, according to a former patient and some hidden camera footage. Hell, video evidence is never admissible in court, so you can’t believe that…oh, wait…

So, what has Iowa left us with? Indigestion for one and political nausea for the other. It was all an absolute waste of time and money and has no bearing on the election whatsoever, except that Pawlenty bowed out sooner than he would have and later than he should have. Bachmann gets a win in her own backyard and no one is fucking surprised at that. It was tents, cheap thrills, and even a petting zoo for the kids. Wait, why was there a petting zoo? Are Iowan adults swayed by a petting zoo? Are ponies conservative? I know it’s a big agricultural state, but these people don’t actually think the presence of farm animals is any indicator of a good leader, right? I mean, the ponies aren’t in attendance to show support. They are locked in a corral and get fed sugar cubes and then loaded up and shipped off to the next embarrassing chapter of their spectacle of a life. Seriously, if anything you should be offended that she’s locking up these stupid-looking animals. A pony? It is an evolutionary dead end. In nature that would be weeded out after generation of horses raping them. Well, at least the ponies are getting work, and that’s Bachmann coming through on her promise to create new jobs.

This is all like a soap box derby race. A bunch of hastily assembled and ill-conceived mobile platforms rolling downhill on nothing but momentum driven by people hoping it carries them through to the finish line. Well, it doesn’t. Historically the winner of the straw pole doesn’t make it to the White House. Last time around good ol’ Huckabee was your winner of the straw poll…how did that turn out again? Huckabee was at the straw poll this year, but this time on his guitar getting paid for a couple shows. He’s the only one that came out of top of this thing.

The straw poll feels a lot like Groundhog’s Day. Not that I feel like I am repeating the same horrendously annoying day of my life over and over again for no clearly defined reason (how was there not a gypsy or something that cursed him or some grave he disturbed or something!? Why did Bill Murray keep reliving that day!? Explain it to me!) until I get it right, but that it’s an archaic ritual synonymous with folklore and steeped in tradition whose outcome has no bearing on anything that will happen in the next six weeks. When I picture Iowans as groundhogs, I don’t seem to loathe their fat faces quite as much. Just like that we’ll all forget about the city of Ames, until the next straw poll when they shove their deep-fried mayonnaise cones into my political machine and muss up all the perfectly rusty gears to the tune of three-cents per Hawkeye pound. Fuckin’ Iowans.


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