The stuff I get to think about while you’re at work 2.0

Pouring potato chip crumbs in your mouth is the socially acceptable version of licking your plate clean.

Community College is like a bus stop with classrooms.

With all these witnesses I’m beginning to wonder why Jehovah needs such an airtight alibi.

why do “smart cars” look so stupid?

I once asked a witch for the power to fly, to have wings…she turned me in to a maxi pad.

I submit that zippers should be outlawed on pants and replaced with only button fly…there is no way I need that much mechanical technology on my crotch, the buttons will do just fine.

I hate zippers, anything with that many teeth that I can’t kill makes me nervous

When I was 12 I had a dream with all the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers in it, except the black one. The next morning I found an injunction from the NAACP under my pillow

Jude Law should be on retainer in the Emergency Room to deliver bad news; all news sounds better in an English accent.

There is no dignified way to take off a pull over hoody.

There may be more than one way to skin a cat, but there is only one American way: outsource the work to India.

Your parents’ divorce is to Christmas what the free market is to commerce; healthy competition.

Hummingbirds are the Harrier Jet of the bird universe.

Gay men have the greatest taste in everything…except party playlists, no one needs that much Cher.

Since nearly 70% of Americans are obese or overweight we should have a third, fat section of a plane; call it “firsts and seconds” class.

I submit we take the warning labels off of every hazardous chemical and take the cooking directions off Pop Tarts; “stupidity” would die out inside a month.

Have you ever heard of a white tribe? Did white people just jump from nomads to townsfolk, skipping the tribe all together? How Caucasian of us.

Parents only tell non-parents that children are “blessings” because “consequences” isn’t as endearing.

I want the headline of my death to read: “man killed after impaled by unicorn.” I will also settle for, “man mauled to death by a Griffin.” Frankly, any mythical creature will do, except the Jackalope; I refuse to lose a fight to a Jackalope.

If a Sphinx ever killed someone, would it be euthanized, like an animal, or sentenced to death row, like a man?

Would a Centaur ever be allowed to run in the Kentucky Derby? For that matter, if a man owned a Centaur, would it be his livestock or his slave?

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