The stuff I get to think about while you’re at work

I wanna see a man with three arms simultaneously give himself an hand…and a hand.

I wanna see a bear on a unicycle, not a cartoon, but really see it…in the wild; then I’ll be impressed, bears.

I am still waiting to see Wayne Brady get out this car and choke a bitch.

If Poker were an Olympic sport would it be in the summer or winter games?

I wanna see Representatives Anthony Weiner and John Bohner get a table reservation at The Bunnery in Jackson Hole, WY and order donut holes so I can finally justify shitting my pants laughing.

I am waiting for Katy Perry to admit she was once a man…just so that I can stop masturbating and get something done in the day.

I want Trinidad & Tobago to get their shit together, either you’re Trinidad OR Tobago, you can’t be both. It’s a country, not an ethnic chain restaurant.

I won’t take professional wrestling seriously until I see some movement on my proposal for more diverse furniture matches; coffee table, ottoman, and even chaise lounger cage matches.

I wanna see the look on their faces when my idea for a hula bobble head takes off and gives every tacky driver in America severe vertigo.

I once and for all want to settle the debate between ninja and pirate…with a dance-off.

I finally went back and looked through my old toys and have decided that G.I. Joe’s during the late eighties and early nineties were gayer than the Ken doll ever was.

To date the best uses of public spending were on the Panama Canal and the name “manhole cover.”

I want to see the “one size fits all” technology of headwear finally applied to where we need it most…coffins.

I don’t care what anyone says, there should be a licensing process and a minimum two week waiting period…for the purchase of Lycra; the new spandex.

If fashion is cyclical then I want someone to tell me when the Hammer Pants are going to come back in to style.

Just once I want to see an old man give a toddler ‘the finger.’

The Smurfs were socialists.

If I could have one fictional creature as a pet it would be Gleep…fuck Gloop, he was an asshole.

Why do we always think talking animals would have anything to bring to the world conversation? Even if animals could talk they would only say, “Food” “Fuck” and “what was that?”

I am putting my foot down, if there is a player lockout in the NFL I am going to try out for the Seahawks at WR; I’ve got the touch and a solid 40.

In the event I ever get on the Price is Right with Chad Johnson, my first bid will be $86.

Isn’t a Bakery & Restaurant just really a restaurant?



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